I wandered in the proverbial wilderness for nearly 40 years only to realize I took the long route. I tried to work my way to freedom; I thought maybe perfection might be the pathway to freedom. When that didn't work, I tried awards, accolades, public recognition, politics, and pageantry. For every step forward, I took three steps back. I thought maybe motherhood, marriage, a clean house, or acceptance from those around me might lead me there to freedom. That ain't work either. So, me, and the Juggling Man riding the tricycle in my head convinced me that either God wasn't real, or far worse, he abandoned me. He left me for dead, like mommy, daddy, and everybody else.
Whewwww chile. That thought right there almost took me out.
I'm so grateful that was the furthest thing from the truth.
On the surface level, I knew God. I was baptized at 11 years old, I sang in the youth choir, and folded the church bulletins as crisply as possible in my all-white pristine uniform. I went to Young Life, Sunday School, and even Vacation Bible School, yet, somewhere along the way, I missed the most important part of God's lesson.
Faith.
I was self-sufficient, self-righteous, and so very lost.
Wait a minute, so you mean to tell me that out of all the things in the world, God wanted from me, was my faith? Well, that's easy; let me hand it over. But that's when I realized I ain't know where my faith was. Like most, I would say I had faith in God. I could even quote a scripture or two. Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 See there!
I can promise you I said it, but I ain't get it, and I doggone sure couldn't find it.
I could show you where Fear was hiding out. She was next to a set of loud and obnoxious fraternal twins, Anxiety and Depression...but Faith was nowhere in sight. So, me, The Juggling Man riding the tricycle in my head, Anxiety & Depression, and Fear, started searching for Faith in the wilderness.
One of my favorite authors and fellow social worker Brene Brown wrote about braving the wilderness, and I think she was talking to me.
..."You are never too broken to come home."
So here we go. Me and the Juggling Tricycle Man, Anxiety & Depression, and Fear in tow, heading on a journey home. We look up, and there he is, Faith, sitting on my swing under the Magnolia tree
on a dead-end dirt road in South Carolina.
He said, it's ok, don't cry, Miss Lady, ya home now.
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